A breakthrough in the science of branding

Ryan Wallman
October 31, 2013

Introducing a totally new branding paradigm from Unqualified Leads – your full-spectrum, omni-channel, 360-rotational, navel-visicentric brand consultancy…

Branding man

Forget everything you thought you knew about marketing. All that stuff in your stuffy head is just stuff and nonsense. Lucky for you, it won’t be there for long because we’re about to blow your mind.

We’ve developed a branding game-changer – one that changes the game from what that last game-changer changed the game to. So put on your game face.

It’s called Brand Nucleotide®. And it will revolutionise the way you do business.

What is Brand Nucleotide?

Nucleotides are the building blocks of DNA (we looked that up on Wikipedia), so Brand Nucleotide is like the purified essence of brand DNA. How does it differ from brand DNA? It adds greater value, because it’s more fundamental – and also because we’ve trademarked it.

But let’s not get into too much ‘granularity’ here. The point is that Brand Nucleotide sounds way more scientific than brand DNA, which makes it better. It’s kind of like the difference between Big Data and un-big, un-capitalised, un-sexy data. And needless to say, Brand Nucleotide is fully informed by Big Data. It’s all about Big Data, in fact. Big Data Big Data Big Data. (Sorry, just optimising our keywords.)

So do we have any scientific qualifications, you ask? Erm, well, not as such. In fact, we never got past year 8 science. That’s what gives us an edge, you see, because it allows us to think outside the box of so-called ‘rational thought’.

And no, we’re not marketers exactly – not in the trained sense. But we’ve got, you know, real-world experience. With brands and all that. We’ve done heaps of work on Apple. Of course we have. What self-respecting agency bod would use a PC?

But what’s that? You want to know whether Brand Nucleotide gets results? Hmm, that’s a bit too much like conventional science for us. Our CodScience™ theoretical model doesn’t extend to outcomes. Anyway, if you want results, just look them up in Big Data or something.

How does Brand Nucleotide work?

Ah, well, to find that out, you’ll have to buy the Brand Nucleotide Premium Package – for only a little more than what scientists spent on sequencing the human genome.

Buy now, before someone clones our idea.

 

Not in the market for snake oil? Try:

By Ryan Wallman, Head of Copy at Wellmark.

Connect with me on Google+ at +Ryan Wallman

 

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Can't wait for this. See you there, London gang. lnkd.in/fP-GGHE

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